UNDERSTANDING = STANDING UNDER

By Catherine Hodgson

Chief Executive Officer of The Hodgson Group

Member of Young Presidents’ Organization since 2009

Mentoring Facilitator and Certified in Conversational Intelligence

Of course we think we know what understanding means! If you say to someone that you understand them, then you are hearing what they are saying, interpreting their meaning and understanding them, right? Actually, not really…

When I think about the word “understanding”, it reminds me of the quote of Robert

McCloskey, U.S. State Department spokesman, by Marvin Kalb, CBS reporter, in TV Guide, 31 March 1984, citing an unspecified press briefing during the Vietnam War: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant”.

We think that when we listen we know what the other person means. We make the assumption that meaning lies with the speaker, when in fact it resides with the listener. We draw on our vault of experiences and our memories to make sense of what we hear and try to understand what the other person is saying. Our experiences are stored in our hippocampus where memory is stored in our limbic brain, and also in the neocortex where we may pull memories of what to do and how to do it. However, what we “see” in our mind’s eye can be a totally different picture of what the other person is saying and seeing in their mind’s eye. Meaning resides in the listener until the speaker takes the time to validate and link back to make sure both have the same picture and shared meaning (based on Judith E. Glaser’s book, Conversational Intelligence® ).

One step to move towards understanding what the other person is saying, is to reflect back what you heard them say. Without interrupting, finishing their sentences, speaking over them or launching into your own story, let them finish what they are saying. Then gently say, “What I heard you say is….” Repeat what you heard back to them, using their own words. Often, when the speaker hears their words repeated back to them, they may realise that it is not exactly what they were trying to say and they may reword it. Reflecting back to the speaker says to them “I heard you”. It may not mean that you still understood them though.

To truly understand someone, we also need to ‘stand under’ that person’s reality - to stand under the same umbrella. We need to ask ourselves “How can I step into the other person’s shoes, to see the world through their eyes? How can I stay open and non-judgmental? How can I feel what they are feeling? How does my reality differ from their reality? How can I bridge the gap between our realities with words and actions? Every person comes to the conversation with their own personal experiences, memories, values and beliefs. These experiences, memories, values and beliefs may be very different to your own, hence your realities may be completely different to the other person’s realities.

What happens in our bodies if we can truly ‘stand under’ the other person’s reality? Both of us will experience a rush of oxytocin in our bodies. Oxytocin, often known as the cuddle hormone or love hormone, is released when a mother is breastfeeding, when people snuggle up or bond socially and is a “feel good” hormone. It is released in our bodies when we connect with someone; even connecting with our eyes, giving or receiving a hug, a handshake or a kiss will release oxytocin in our bodies and make us feel good. Although it does not stay in our body for long, it helps create a bond between people and makes us feel connected. When one truly steps into another person’s shoes without judgment, we can experience the rush of oxytocin. We then feel connected.

An exercise that I do in my Conversation Learning Labs is the following: I ask people to pair up, one person holding an umbrella. They ask of each other: “What event had a significant impact on your life?” The listener has to listen without judgement, to stand under that person’s reality. This exercise gets people to think literally about standing under another person’s reality, by standing under the umbrella.

So, next time you are listening to someone, step into their shoes and stand under their reality – that way you will really understand what they are saying.

Three things:

1. Meaning resides in the listener until the speaker takes the time to validate and link back to make sure both have the same picture, shared meaning and understanding.

2. Reflecting back to the speaker what you heard them say, using their own words, says to them “I heard you”.

3. Ask yourself: “How can I step into the other person’s shoes, to see the world from their eyes? How can I stay open and non-judgmental? How does my reality differ from their reality? How can I bridge the gap between our realities with words and actions?

Catherine Hodgson, YPO Cape Town Gold member

Catherine Hodgson is the co-founder and CEO of The Hodgson Group in South Africa which consists of two companies, Hodgsons Importers and Worldwide Housewares. Hodgson joined YPO in 2009 and served as Global Mentoring Chair for 5 years, rolling out the YPO Mentoring program to chapters around the world, developing mentoring material and launching Mentoring Masterclasses. She believes passionately in lifelong learning and has been on a personal journey of lifelong learning in the mentoring and coaching fields. She is a YPO Mentoring Facilitator and Certified in Conversational Intelligence. Married with two daughters, she lives in Cape Town, South Africa and spends five months of the year in Europe.